Kate Bush Plays Football For England

As regular readers (Hello Albert & Gladys) will know, I'm occasionally fond of sharing my dreams. These have included partying in the 23rd century with Shobna Gulati; Wrestling with a sea-lion shaped goldfish and being chased through my local streets by an unfeasibly large penguin. Well, last night Kate Bush was chosen to play for England in this year's World Cup in Brazil.

As is often the case, England had some late withdrawals prior to the World Cup and were left woefully short of strikers so there was a lot of speculation in the media that there would be a late surprise call-up. No-one expected what happened next though. Kate Bush became the first female professional footballer to represent the male team. Apparently, she was able to keep her professional football activities a secret throughout her singing career as she was known for her reclusive lifestyle.

I was England's kit man for this tournament but Kate turned up with her own kit woman. Prior to the opening game against Italy, she emerged from her changing room wearing the outfit she first wore in her "Wuthering Heights" video from 1978. When I asked her to change into the football kit she threw a diva tantrum. Whilst it was all being sorted out they had to delay the kick off leading to unprecedented commercial TV problems around the world. Eventually, the referee and Mario Balotelli agreed it was OK for her to wear it, then the game got underway.

The first half passed without major incident but Kate did suffer some harsh treatment from the Italian defenders. The heat was intense inside the stadium so at half time the players were treated in various ways. Kate refused any treatment, however, but insisted she changed her Wuthering Heights dress. 10 minutes later she emerged wearing the outfit from the "Babooshka" video.Within seconds, word got out of the dressing room and it was suddenly filled with a galaxy of ex-England players including Dave Watson and Russell Osman from the 1970s.......at this point I was woken up by some tosser using their car horn in my street, so we will never know what happened next......